


Creeper, Aww Man

by TheAzureFox



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Gen, Minecraft, chatfic, contains a lotta swearing bc i'm not gonna adhere to canon speech patterns in a chatfic, i've been playing minecraft lately can u tell, my attempt at comedy no promises
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-09-28 20:07:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20431700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAzureFox/pseuds/TheAzureFox
Summary: In which a group of students play Minecraft and learn they are incompatible with each other.





	Creeper, Aww Man

**Author's Note:**

> let's assume that Minecraft has the capability of sending groups of people to different spawn points
> 
> let's...let's just assume alright??
> 
> or: i'm attempting my hand at comedy writing and everyone else is doing wonderful chatfics so I'd thought I'd join in on the fun too~ Comedy is a weak point of mine as a writer so I wanted to try my hand at it. And, since I've been playing Minecraft recently, I figured a Minecraft chatfic would be fun
> 
> <strike>and yes i know it's already been done before and i love that fic</strike>

* * *

Minecraft Server Set-Up:

Structures: On

Mode: Hard Survival

Bonus Chest: Off

Other settings: normal

* * *

Claude: Alright folks. Here we are. Spawn point. Gotta say, I’m loving this seed so far.

Hilda: We’re in a fucking jungle

Claude: It’s lovely, isn’t it.

Hilda: I can’t see shit for miles

Claude: that’s because there are these things called trees. You do know what trees are, right?

Hilda: …

Claude: Oh god Hilda plz tell me you know what trees are

Claude: I won’t be able to die peacefully if you don’t

Hilda: at this rate you’re definitely NOT gonna die peacefully

Claude: ??  
  
Claude: Hilda  
  
Claude: Hilda put the stick down

Claude: Hilda

Claude: HILDA NO

Claude: HILDA!!!

Hilda: _Run fucker_

* * *

Lysithea: As per usual our mod is a fucking idiot

Leonie: isn’t he always tho

Ignatz: oh worm

Lorenz: that is why I, a fine minecraft player such as myself with a fanbase of so many YouTube subscribers, should have been made mod of this server.

Marianne: I found a horse.

Lysithea: oh cool

Lorenz: I would lead our server to glory if only I was in charge!

Leonie: When we get saddles let’s totally grab a whole stable of horses!!!

Marianne: I would like that

Lorenz: If I was made mod and I had control over this server, I’m sure my millions of subscribers would flood this server with more donations than it could handle!

Ignatz: horses are cool. But don’t forget llamas

Lorenz: We’d become famous! We’d be in Minecraft’s hall of fame of Minecraft servers! And it would all be thanks to me!

Leonie: How do we get llamas again?

Lysithea: :3c

Lysithea: Kill the wandering traders, steal their leads and then grab their abandoned llamas and turn them into your “ever so loyal they can never leave you unless they die” pack mules

Claude: oof Lysithea can u maybe chill a bit there??

Lysithea: I refuse

Lorenz: is no one listening to me? I said

Hilda: Found u bitch :>

Lorenz: let me lead this server

Claude: fUck!!

Lorenz: I will be the best mod this server has ever had!

Claude: ey Lorenz

Lorenz: what

Claude: shut the fuck up

Lorenz: vulgarity! How rude of you, how pompous, how-

[Claude has been slain by Hilda]

Lorenz: delightful

* * *

Dedue: It looks like we’ve spawned in a desert, Your Highness

Dimitri: it would seem so. And next to a taiga biome too it appears

Sylvain: Look!! A desert temple!!

Ingrid: That could mean good loot!!

Annette: Let’s go!!! Loot loot loot!!

Ashe: everyone stay in character,,, we’re knights remember???

Sylvain: oh shit yea

Sylvain: Ur Holiness, as your lawfully wedded knight may I partake in the bounty of thy temple in thy desert and loot it for its gold?

Dimitri: You may

Ingrid: Am I allowed to tag along, your Holiness?

Dimitri: no

Ingrid: :O

Dimitri: jk jk jk jk

Ingrid: >:O

Ashe: Your Holiness, I’m gonna scout out the area and look for cool stuff.

Dimitri: Allowed

Ashe: YEET

Felix: I’m pretty sure knights don’t say “yeet”

Ashe: Well this one does so YEET

Felix: …

Felix: why do I bother

Mercedes: I’m going to start gathering seeds and meat Your Highness

Annette: and I’m gonna go raid a temple YEET

Felix: Just don’t be idiots and activate the pressure plate at the temple

Sylvain: pressure what?

[Sylvain has been killed by TNT]

[Ingrid has been killed by TNT]

[Annette has died from fall damage]

Felix: You utter fucking morons

* * *

Hubert: Lady Edelgard, I believe we have spawned on an island

Edelgard: yes I can see that Hubert

Hubert: We are surrounded by ocean on all sides with no other land around us

Edelgard: yes I can see that Hubert

Hubert: There are half a dozen drowned trying to kill us while staring at us from the ocean

Edelgard: yes I can see that Hubert

Hubert: there’s not a tree in sight either

Edelgard: yes I can see that Hubert

Hubert: and I’m pretty sure I hear a skeleton spawner under us

Edelgard: yes I can see that Hubert

Hubert: Milady are you just copy and pasting your first response to me?

Edelgard: yes I can see that Hubert

Hubert: ???

Edelgard: yes I can see that Hubert

Hubert: Milady why

Edelgard: oh

Edelgard: sorry, keyboard got stuck

Ferdinand: and how exactly does your keyboard get stuck on the copy and paste keys all at the same time?

Edelgard: shut up Ferdinand

* * *

Caspar: omg we’re so screwed

Caspar: we’re on a fucking island surrounded by drowned. Come night we’re fucked

Lindhardt: dig a tunnel down

Dorothea: I’m p sure I hear skeletons beneath us tho

Bernadetta: Skeletons?? Fuck!! I hate skeletons!!

Lindhardt: Skeletons can’t hurt u. they’re friends :3

Dorothea: great then you can be the first friend they’ll see

Lindhardt: oof

Ferdinand: Have no fear! With my help we’ll make it out alive! Just watch me! I’ll make it out alive!

[Ferdinand has been slain by the Drowned]

[Ferdinand has respawned]

Ferdinand: Nah we’re screwed fam

* * *

Ignatz: so to sum it up, Blue Lions get the good spawn but fucks it up

Ignatz: and the Black Eagles are stuck in the middle of an island w/ no trees to boat their way out

Hilda: I’d take the island over the jungle tho. Too many trees

Claude: embrace your love for trees you tsundere

Hilda: HEY CLAUDE

Hilda: LET’S PLAY A GAME OF HIDE AND SEEK

Claude: Oh SHIT

Claude: Hilda NO

Hilda: 1

Claude: NO NO NO

Hilda: 2

Claude: Hilda plz I beg

Hilda: 3

Hilda: READY OR NOT, HERE I COME MOTHERFUCKER

Claude: :’)

* * *

Dorothea: okay, after seeing Ferdinand jump into the ocean and die to Drowned 5 million times, I think we need a new plan

Lindhardt: big mood

Edelgard: I propose we use Ferdinand as a distraction and swim all the way to the next piece of land

Ferdinand: HEY

Petra: I am liking plan

Dorothea: as am i

Ferdinand: I DID NOT AGREE TO THIS

Bernadetta: Maybe we should ask for help? From the others? We have coordinates and all for a reason…

Edelgard: And give up our pride as Black Eagles? No, we can do this. I believe in us.

Ferdinand: GUYS

Caspar: Relax Ferdinand we’ll come back for you by boat

Dorothea: …maybe

Ferdinand: MAYBE???

Dorothea: quick! someone shove him in the ocean!

Petra: I would be glad to do that

Ferdinand: Petra plz I beg

Ferdinand: PETRA NOOOOOO

[Ferdinand has been slain by Drowned]

Petra: now friends!

Caspar: no need to tell me twice! Let’s go Lindhardt!!

Lindhart: yeah no I’m not going in there

[Caspar has been slain by drowned]

[Petra has been slain by drowned]

[Bernadetta has been slain by drowned]

[Dorothea has been slain by drowned]

Lindhardt: annnnd that’s why I’m not going in there

Edelgard: …I change my mind. I don’t believe in us.

* * *

Ignatz: time to go exploring

Leonie: exploring yay!

Ignatz: first things first: where’s the closest biome that is NOT jungle?

Raphael: there’s a mountain biome just uhhhhhh south

Raphael: I think its south? Maybe? Idk

Leonie: where are you

Raphael: next to the mountain biome

Ignatz: I think she means what are your coordinates

Raphael: Oh! I’m at 150, 89, -57

Leonie: kk gotcha we coming

Ignatz: is there anything interesting over there?

Raphael: not really. Just mountains. And sheep. Lots of sheep. Do sheep like mountains? Because I’m pretty sure they’d be dying of oxygen deprivation by now irl

Lysithea: oh my god

Raphael: what

Lysithea: you’re more morbid than I am

Raphael: am not. Just realistic

Leonie: I don’t get it

Ignatz: well, you see, oxygen deprivation is

Leonie: NO.

Ignatz: ?

Leonie: DO NOT.

Leonie: NO SCIENCE MUMBO-JUMBO YOU HEAR ME??

Ignatz: But oxygen deprivation just means

Leonie: NO

Ignatz: It just means

Leonie: WHAT DID I JUST SAY???

Ignatz: :’)

* * *

Hilda: Has anyone seen Claude?

Lysithea: yes

Lysithea: He’s got a base around cords -200, 65, 43, Hilds

Claude: FUCK YOU LYSITHEA

Claude: THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SECRET

Lysithea: Well it was a secret until you decided to steal all my wheat motherfucker

Claude: Not my problem you’ve got an insane amount of wheat you don’t need

Lysithea: yea, just as it’s not my problem if Hilda happens to know where your base is located :>

Claude: I hate u Shorty

Lysithea: >:( I’m not short

Claude: Yes u r. Shorty short :3c

Lysithea: …

Lysithea: If Hilda doesn’t murder you first I’m going to >:)

Claude: …Tall-y?

Lysithea: …  
  
Lysithea: …

Lysithea: time to grab the diamond sword

Claude: excuse me the diamond WHAT

Lysithea: sword

Lysithea: >:3c

* * *

Ashe: I found a village!!

Sylvain: A village owo?

Ingrid: Do they have a blacksmith?

Ashe: Yesssss

Mercedes: food?

Ashe: yessss

Felix: all of our loot lost to idiots in a TNT-filled temple restored and now in a chest?

Ashe: I can’t tell if you’re making a joke or just being salty but no

Felix: both

Felix: I am doing both

[Claude has been slain by Lysithea]

Annette: Felix makes jokes???

Mercedes: :O

Dimitri: I though it was impossible!!

Sylvain: We gotta celebrate! Felix’s first joke!!

Ingrid: Let’s make a minecraft cake for him :D

Felix: you all sure are bad at staying in character aren’t you

Sylvain: look at it this way

Sylvain: at least we’re not wearing a boar as our minecraft skin

* * *

Ignatz: Sooooo

Ignatz: I dropped into a cave

Ignatz: and idk how to get out

Edelgard: Just use your pickaxe and get out.

Ignatz: okay how

Dorothea: mine for stone and then use that stone to yeet ur way out of the cave

Ignatz: but I mean how do I get a pickaxe?

Dorothea: …

Dorothea: do you have wood on you?

Ignatz: no? why? Do I need wood?

Claude: dude, buddy, pal, why do you not have wood on you

Lysithea: says the guy who died with only mushrooms in his inventory

Lorenz: wood is the most essential block in minecraft! Even noobs know to carry wood in their inventory!!

Ignatz: well I’m _sorry _that I’m bad at minecraft

Lorenz: Sorry??? You shouldn’t even be on this server if you’re this bad!!

Leonie: I vote we ban Lorenz

Lorenz: what

Hilda: I second that

Lorenz: what

Raphael: I third it

Marianne: I…fourth it?

Lorenz: WHAT

Lysithea: I definitely fifth it

Claude: I sixth it :3c

Annette: I seventh it owo

Lorenz: wait

Dorothea: I eighth it!!

Lorenz: why

[Lorenz has been kicked from the server]

Edelgard: done

Dimitri: we are saved!

Annette: Yay!

[Lorenz has entered the server]

Mercedes: O_O

Hilda: how?????

Claude: shit I

Claude: I might’ve forgotten he can hack into servers

Claude: it’s part of his YT shtick  
  
Claude: which is

Claude: annoying

Dimitri: oof

Lorenz: nice try fuckers but ur stuck with me

Edelgard: ugh

Leonie: …

* * *

Ignatz: Thanks for the help Leonie

Leonie: np. Now lets get to Raphael

Ignatz: kk

Ignatz: which way is south again

Ignatz: Leonie

Ignatz: Leonie?

Ignatz: ????

Ignatz: did she log out??

Ignatz: she just froze up

[Leonie has left the server]

Ignatz: oh no

[Leonie has joined the server]

Leonie: DFHJFDHJFJHJH MY COMPUTER CRASHED

Sylvain: and this is you don’t own a mac for minecraft

Sylvain: or gaming in general, really

Leonie: PC elitist

Sylvain: and proud of it

* * *

Caspar: GUYS

Caspar: GUYS

Caspar: GUYS BONE BLOCKS SOLVES ALL OUR PROBLEMS

Petra: bone blocks?

Hubert: Caspar, do go on

Caspar: we got a skeleton spawner right??? Well if we kill them and get their bones than we can make bonemeal which makes bone blocks

Caspar: plus we get like bows and arrows to shoot drowned with so we can just bridge our way to the nearest island

Edelgard: you

Edelgard: I like you

Edelgard: Hubert you’re fired Casper is now my right-hand man

Hubert: :O

Hubert: >:#

Hubert: Guess I need to kill him then to reclaim my spot

Hubert: goodbye fucker

[Caspar has died to Drowned]

Edelgard: …

Edelgard: Caspar is still my right hand man

Hubert: dammit

* * *

Ignatz: !!!

Ignatz: what’s that noise???

Ignatz: OH NO

Ignatz: CREEPER

Claude: aww man

Sylvain: so we back in the mine

Dorothea: got our pickaxe swinging from side to side

Caspar: side side to side

[Ignatz has been slain by a Creeper]

Claude: oh

[Ignatz has respawned]

Ignatz: DFKJVHKNDH FUCK ME

* * *

Ingrid: I love villages. They have such cute houses

Sylvain: indeed. And such cute villagers.

Ingrid: Sylvain. Sylvain no.

Sylvain: What if Minecraft let you propose to villagers?

Ingrid: Sylvain don’t u dare

Ashe: in character guys

Ashe: in character

Sylvain: Right.

Sylvain: Oh, fair villager! With your blocky body and your blocky face and your voice that goes “hmph” for miles, would you do the honor of marrying me, Sylvain the great?

Ingrid: Your Holiness do I have permission to raise my noble iron axe against him?

Dimitri: no

Ingrid: :/

Dimitri: jkjkjk do what u want my fair knight

[Sylvain has been slain by Ingrid]

Ingrid: thanks for the loot bitch

Ashe: for the love of god

Ashe: remember we’re staying I n C h A r A c T e R here

[Sylvain has respawned]

Sylvain: fuck you Ingrid

Ingrid: I luv u 2

Ashe: *internal screaming*

* * *

Hilda: Claude get your ass back here!!

Claude: I think I heard something. Guys, did you hear anything? I don’t think I did

Claude: OH HOLY SHIT WHERE DID YOU GET AN ENCHANTED IRON SWORD

Claude: OW OW I’M ON FIRE

[Claude has been slain by Hilda]

* * *

Ignatz: kk I finally caught up with you Raphael

Ignatz: and I have wood

Ignatz: and I’ve been avoiding the creepers and stuff

Ignatz: and before anyone here yells at me for not eating any food I’m not that dumb

Ignatz: I just ran out and couldn’t find any more fish

Dimitri: Did you…did you consider eating anything else?

Ignatz: Like what?

Petra: the moosh cows

Mercedes: cows in general

Edelgard: pigs

Ingrid: wheat, cake, carrots, potatoes

Sylvain: beetroots

Ashe: chicken

Ignatz: those…exist?

Lorenz: oh my god

Ignatz: I’m bad at minecraft okay???

Lorenz: lmao rest in pieces noob

* * *

Caspar: GUYS I FOUND LAND

Lindhardt: :O

Petra: let us see

Hubert: oh it's land alright

Edelgard: ...

Edelgard: fuck you Caspar that's literally another fucking island  
  
Edelgard: you know what  
  
Edelgard: ur demoted

Edelgard: Hubert's back to being my right hand man  
  
Hubert: :D

* * *

_Somewhere else on the server:_

[Flayn has joined Minecraft Server: TNT Land]


End file.
